{"id":810,"date":"2018-01-06T13:00:15","date_gmt":"2018-01-06T11:00:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/?p=810"},"modified":"2023-03-31T11:48:49","modified_gmt":"2023-03-31T09:48:49","slug":"gurbuz-yasami-gozlemlemek","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2018\/01\/06\/gurbuz-yasami-gozlemlemek\/","title":{"rendered":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Ya\u015fam\u0131 G\u00f6zlemlemek"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"“Sanki oldum olas\u0131 bir b\u00fcy\u00fck oday\u0131 ar\u015f\u0131nl\u0131yor; ara s\u0131ra elimi muma uzat\u0131p yak\u0131yor, ve hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131 hep sonraya sakl\u0131yorum. “Dur!” denilen yeri de, ya\u015famak \u00fczere erteleye erteleye t\u00fcketiyorum. Beklerken beklemedi\u011fimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp kahkahalar at\u0131yor; bu arada elimi duvarlara, cama, burnuma, kalemlere… s\u00fcr\u00fcyorum. Kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyar gibi oluyor; ne a\u00e7\u0131yor ne de kap\u0131yorum. Bu hep tekrarlan\u0131yor gibi g\u00f6r\u00fcnse de, “tekrar” diye, “kalmak” diye bir \u015fey yok. Sa\u011f\u0131m sanki solum gibi – solum, hi\u00e7 yok. G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc her zamanki gibi, her zamankinden farkl\u0131 – bu da s\u0131radan. Bazen bak\u0131p, herkes gibi “Ah!” diyorum; ama bunu hak edip etmedi\u011fimi bilmiyorum. Ve bu daha varmam\u0131\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na ge\u00e7en zamanda, biraz sallanan yerde durmadan kala kalan\u0131m – ki bu bilinci \u00fcrkek\u00e7e t\u00fcketmek de\u011fil; daha ileri g\u00f6t\u00fcrmek istiyorum oyunu.<\/p>\n

Durmadan \u00f6l\u00fcyorum ya\u015fayabilmek i\u00e7in – belki de b\u00fct\u00fcn psikanalizi tersine \u00e7evirmek gerek; ya\u015fam\u0131n sa\u00e7mal\u0131\u011f\u0131 r\u00fcyalar\u0131nkinden kat kat fazla, ve zaman\u0131n h\u0131z\u0131, tehlike getiriyor, ba\u015fka de\u011fil. Bunca ses aras\u0131nda duyulan, bir tehlike sireninin sesi; herkes i\u00e7in \u00e7alan… Bir yerden gelip bir yere gitmemek, as\u0131l as\u0131ls\u0131zl\u0131k bu. Kendim hari\u00e7 her \u015feye uza\u011f\u0131m, ve \u00e7ok ki\u015fiyi \u00f6ld\u00fcrd\u00fcm; kafam, cinayetlerle dolu.<\/p>\n

T\u00fcketmek gerek anlamlar\u0131 – ama \u00fcretmek ve t\u00fcketmek… Yok etmek – ama var edip sonra yok etmek… G\u00fcne\u015fi su\u00e7luyorum – s\u00f6nd\u00fcrmek gerek bu bo\u015f yang\u0131n\u0131.<\/p>\n

Bana en uzak yerlerdeyim \u00e7o\u011fu zaman – sonsuz ya\u015fam\u0131n i\u00e7indeki d\u00fczelmeyen kambur… Benim g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcm delinmedi; delinen, anlar ve zihnimin saydaml\u0131\u011f\u0131.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

G\u00fcn\u00fcn en g\u00fczel saatleri ak\u015fam alt\u0131-yedidir diyordum ya; san\u0131yorum bu da do\u011fru de\u011fil. Sonbahar\u0131 da (sahip olamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m tek mevsimimi; yani ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131) yine elimden ka\u00e7\u0131rd\u0131m. Gerilerden konu\u015fuyorum, s\u0131k s\u0131k (getirdi\u011fim bir \u015fey olmamas\u0131na ra\u011fmen). Bazen de \u00f6ne ge\u00e7meyi deniyorum, ve nereye baksam, ya\u015fam\u0131m de\u011fil g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm. Bunu do\u011fruluyor bir ba\u015fka y\u00fcz\u00fcm. Kendimi ve sesimi suya d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm yeri ve zaman\u0131 bile hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum. Bir yank\u0131 olarak kal\u0131yorum suyun \u00fcst\u00fcndeki aksimle – bir g\u00fcn silivermeyi d\u00fc\u015fledi\u011fim…<\/p>\n

Ya\u015fam\u0131m bir can \u00e7eki\u015fme s\u00fcresini bilmedi\u011fim.<\/p>\n

Ve hi\u00e7bir \u015feye \u015fa\u015fm\u0131yorum – her \u015fey bildik diyordum ya; bu da do\u011fru de\u011fil. Ben d\u00fcnyaya olup biteni hayretle izlemeye ve \u015fa\u015f\u0131rmaya gelmi\u015fim – durmadan \u015fa\u015f\u0131rmaya…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ama ne s\u00f6ylersem s\u00f6yleyeyim, ne \u00e7alarsam \u00e7alay\u0131m, bu kamburu y\u00fcklendi\u011fim i\u00e7in oyunbozan oluyorum.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yine s\u00f6ylemek istedi\u011fim bunlar de\u011fil-
\nVe t\u00fcm a\u011f\u0131tlar gibi bu da i\u011fren\u00e7.”<\/p>\n

\u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Kambur, \u0130leti\u015fim Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2015 [1992], 6. bas\u0131m, s. 85-7.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Sanki oldum olas\u0131 bir b\u00fcy\u00fck oday\u0131 ar\u015f\u0131nl\u0131yor; ara s\u0131ra elimi muma uzat\u0131p yak\u0131yor, ve hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131 hep sonraya sakl\u0131yorum. “Dur!” denilen yeri de, ya\u015famak \u00fczere erteleye erteleye t\u00fcketiyorum. Beklerken beklemedi\u011fimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp kahkahalar at\u0131yor; bu arada elimi duvarlara, cama, burnuma, kalemlere… s\u00fcr\u00fcyorum. Kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyar gibi oluyor; ne a\u00e7\u0131yor ne de kap\u0131yorum. Bu hep tekrarlan\u0131yor gibi g\u00f6r\u00fcnse … Continue reading G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Ya\u015fam\u0131 G\u00f6zlemlemek<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33,8],"tags":[220,68],"class_list":["post-810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alinti","category-roman","tag-kambur","tag-sule-gurbuz"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9WYIs-d4","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":259,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/03\/gurbuz-kendini-anlatan-birisi\/","url_meta":{"origin":810,"position":0},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Kendini Anlatan Birisi","author":"yalpertem","date":"3 September 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Ben \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yere, gezip g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra girmek ve giderek k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fclerek orada kalmak, bitmek istiyorum. Ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m sorulursa, olur ya, sadece bekliyorum. Bazen \u00dcsk\u00fcdar'a y\u00fcr\u00fcrken g\u00f6zlerim sanki \u00e7ok ac\u0131l\u0131 ve a\u011flamakl\u0131 bir geceden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi k\u0131rp\u0131\u015farak, adeta tutu\u015farak yan\u0131yor. Etraf\u0131ma, gelen ge\u00e7ene bakmak istiyor, bakam\u0131yorum. G\u00f6zlerim k\u0131rp\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Bal\u0131klar, marullar, k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 so\u011fanlar,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/coskuyla-olmek-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2525,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2019\/03\/17\/gurbuz-bastonla-bekleyis\/","url_meta":{"origin":810,"position":1},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Bastonla Bekleyi\u015f","author":"yalpertem","date":"17 March 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"\u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz bu blog'da metinlerinden kesip yerle\u015ftirdi\u011fim pasajlarla kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fsa kahrolur herhalde, di\u011fer pek \u00e7ok yazar gibi, ama biraz daha fazla belki. Ne yaz\u0131k ki biz t\u00fcketiciler, k\u00fclt\u00fcrel metinleri kendimize yo\u011furuyor, onlardan ba\u015fka bir \u015feyler yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz, ad\u0131m\u0131za jurnal bile a\u00e7m\u0131\u015f akademisyenler. \"Kitaplarda okuduklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 unutuyorsak h\u00e2l\u00e2 neden okumal\u0131y\u0131z?\" sorusuna benim pek\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/%C5%9Fule-g%C3%BCrb%C3%BCz-ne-ya%C5%9Ftad%C4%B1r-ne-ba%C5%9Fta-ak%C4%B1l-yoktur.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5046,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2022\/06\/06\/gurbuz-kiyamet-emeklisi-notlar-3\/","url_meta":{"origin":810,"position":2},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, K\u0131yamet Emeklisi | Notlar 3","author":"yalpertem","date":"6 June 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"[183-234] Sonbahar geliyor, Baba biraz celalli. Bir g\u00fcl\u00fcp bir tersliyor Aziz'i ve bac\u0131lar\u0131. Kendini k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcltme e\u011fitimi a\u011f\u0131r i\u015flerle devam ediyor. Baba'n\u0131n o zamanki ruh halinden mi yoksa e\u011fitimin bir par\u00e7as\u0131 olan Aziz'i yok sayma ve zorlama niyetinden mi tam belli de\u011fil. Baba ile m\u00fccadele ona bir sinme, sessizlik, kendi i\u00e7ine\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "genel"","block_context":{"text":"genel","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/genel\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1827,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2018\/07\/01\/bernhard-gezinti-dostluk-ve-aptallik\/","url_meta":{"origin":810,"position":3},"title":"Bernhard, Gezinti, Dostluk ve Aptall\u0131k","author":"yalpertem","date":"1 July 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\" Soka\u011fa gezintiye \u00e7\u0131kanlar,\" dedi Moro, \"anakronizmin en makul uygulay\u0131c\u0131lar\u0131, onlar gezintilerini yaparken, en akl\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda olmayanlar aras\u0131nda en akl\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda olanlar, ayn\u0131 zamanda en bedbahtlar aras\u0131nda en mutlu olanlard\u0131r, muhtemelen, sevgili Bay Robert, ama onlara en akl\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda olmayanlar aras\u0131nda en akl\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda olanlar, en bedbahtlar aras\u0131nda en mutlular\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/thomas-bernhard-ungenach-194x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":493,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/15\/gurbuz-durgunluk-ve-keder-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":810,"position":4},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Durgunluk ve Keder \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"15 November 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Babam gen\u00e7li\u011finde ve \u00f6\u011frencilik y\u0131llar\u0131nda, kendi tabiri ile \"Hayat onun i\u00e7ine damlarken\", bu damlay\u0131\u015fta yine kendi tabiri ile \"pasl\u0131 bir tat\" bulmu\u015f. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 nas\u0131l bulmu\u015f bilemiyorum. Babam\u0131n ya\u015f\u0131na ben de geldim, gezdi\u011fi \u00fclkeleri ben de gezdim ama onun g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve o hep s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc etti\u011fi pas izini g\u00f6remedim.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/coskuyla-olmek-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4934,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2022\/05\/23\/gurbuz-kiyamet-emeklisi-notlar-ii\/","url_meta":{"origin":810,"position":5},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, K\u0131yamet Emeklisi | Notlar 2","author":"yalpertem","date":"23 May 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"[113-182] Son notu Baba'n\u0131n \"S\u00f6yleyin bakal\u0131m, ya\u015fayan m\u0131 b\u00fcy\u00fckt\u00fcr \u00f6l\u00fc m\u00fc?\" (s. 113) sorusuyla b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Aziz, ya\u015fayan b\u00fcy\u00fckt\u00fcr diyor. Baba \u00f6lenlerin ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n ba\u015fkalar\u0131nda ve i\u015flerinde s\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnden ve ya\u015fam\u0131n k\u0131ymetinden s\u00f6z ediyor. Aziz \"Baba'y\u0131 dinlerken zihninde uyu\u015fmaya benzer bir his duyuyor\" (s. 114) ya da \"kendini bilmeden bir b\u00fcy\u00fcn\u00fcn i\u00e7ine s\u00fcr\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "genel"","block_context":{"text":"genel","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/genel\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/810","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=810"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/810\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5983,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/810\/revisions\/5983"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=810"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=810"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=810"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}