{"id":530,"date":"2017-11-19T21:32:11","date_gmt":"2017-11-19T19:32:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/?p=530"},"modified":"2017-11-19T21:32:42","modified_gmt":"2017-11-19T19:32:42","slug":"gurbuz-sikinti-gezinti-uzerine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/19\/gurbuz-sikinti-gezinti-uzerine\/","title":{"rendered":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, S\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 ve Gezinti \u00dczerine"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"“Vakit ge\u00e7irmek \u00e7ok zor de\u011fil. Bazen bir ta\u015f midemi ayr\u0131, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131, t\u00fcm varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131 eziyor olur, o ta\u015f\u0131 daha uzaktan bana do\u011fru yuvarlan\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan, daha g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde bana do\u011fru yol al\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan tan\u0131r\u0131m, kuvvetini bilirim. Ama yerimi de\u011fi\u015ftirsem de, bir yerlere ka\u00e7sam da beni bulaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilirim. Son yirmi-yirmi be\u015f senedir onu g\u00f6r\u00fcnce ka\u00e7m\u0131yorum da sadece kas\u0131l\u0131yorum. Bana yapacaklar\u0131n\u0131 bilip sadece kas\u0131l\u0131yorum. Bir de k\u00f6pe\u011fim vard\u0131r. Siyah bir k\u00f6pek, cinsi minsi yok, sinirli, sald\u0131rgan bir sokak k\u00f6pe\u011fi. \u00c7ocuklu\u011fumdan beri ne zaman s\u0131k\u0131lsam, deh\u015fete ya da \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcye d\u00fc\u015fsem bu k\u00f6pek, bu ayn\u0131 k\u00f6pek, bu uzun \u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fc, siyah, hep cevval, hep h\u0131rsl\u0131, hep ayn\u0131 \u00f6fkeyi yorulup b\u0131kmaks\u0131z\u0131n ta\u015f\u0131yan k\u00f6pek r\u00fcyamda beni sabahlara kadar kovalar. Sonunda da kilidi a\u00e7\u0131lmayan eski bir evin kap\u0131s\u0131nda yakalar. Ben kap\u0131y\u0131 m\u00fcthi\u015f bir tela\u015f ve korku i\u00e7inde, elimde \u015fang\u0131rdayan anahtarlar, zang\u0131r zang\u0131r titreyen ellerimle a\u00e7maya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken onun kesik kesik, i\u015ftahl\u0131 solu\u011fu yakla\u015f\u0131r, ensemden o buz gibi ter bo\u015fal\u0131r, s\u0131rt\u0131mdan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 h\u0131zla kovayla d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcrcesine ini\u015fi ile beraber sa\u011f aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131n arkas\u0131na k\u00f6pe\u011fin di\u015fleri ge\u00e7er. K\u00f6pek \u00f6nce bir iki di\u015fini yerle\u015ftirirken en uygun yeri de b\u0131rakmadan arar ve hep topu\u011fumun \u00fcst\u00fcndeki o yeri di\u015fine uygun bulup oraya b\u00fct\u00fcn di\u015flerini var kuvvetiyle ge\u00e7irir. B\u00f6yle uyan\u0131r\u0131m, s\u0131rt\u0131mda bir kova so\u011fuk ter, k\u00f6pe\u011fin solu\u011fu kula\u011f\u0131mda, aya\u011f\u0131mda birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn s\u00fcrecek, hatta beni topallatacak m\u00fcthi\u015f bir \u0131s\u0131r\u0131lma a\u011fr\u0131s\u0131yla yatakta do\u011frulurum. Kendime baksam merhamet ve ac\u0131ma duygusu beni o kadar kendi g\u00f6z\u00fcmde k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr\u00fcr ki bir daha bunu g\u00f6ren, bilen olarak nas\u0131l neyle havalan\u0131r\u0131m bilemem. Kendimi g\u00f6rmezden gelirim. Kendimi g\u00f6z\u00fcmden ka\u00e7\u0131r\u0131r\u0131m. Ve birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn soluk solu\u011fa ko\u015fman\u0131n, \u0131s\u0131r\u0131\u011f\u0131n verdi\u011fi a\u011fr\u0131n\u0131n topall\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fcyerek pek zavall\u0131 gezerim. Y\u00fcz\u00fcmde hi\u00e7 bu kadar tahsilli, yabanc\u0131 diller bilen, Avrupa, Amerika g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f, her zencefilli i\u00e7ece\u011fi i\u00e7mi\u015f, malt viskileri meleklerin pay\u0131ndan sonra ilk yudumlam\u0131\u015f bir adamda g\u00f6r\u00fclmeyecek bir melal, pantolonum \u00fczerime yak\u0131\u015fmayacarak, g\u00f6mleklerimi do\u011fru se\u00e7meyerek eski semtlerde, camilerde, m\u00fctevaz\u0131 esnaf lokantalar\u0131nda, k\u00f6hne pida salonlar\u0131nda \u015fifa arar\u0131m. \u015eifa her zaman ama her zaman bir mahzunlu\u011fun, eksikli\u011fin yoksullu\u011fun i\u00e7indedir elbet. Kahve tonlar\u0131nda kuma\u015f pantolonuma hi\u00e7 uymayan mavi ekoseli g\u00f6mle\u011fimle y\u00fcr\u00fcye y\u00fcr\u00fcye Sara\u00e7hane’ye geldi\u011fimde beni daha az \u015feylerle ya\u015fanan bir d\u00fcnyan\u0131n \u0131s\u0131s\u0131 sarar. Y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e pantolonum ve g\u00f6mle\u011fimi daha az rahats\u0131z edici bulmaya, \u00e7evreye g\u00f6sterilen uyuma ve yad\u0131rganmamaya duydu\u011fum g\u00fcvenle kendimle arama bir ufak af girer. Belli etmeyen ama y\u00fcz\u00fcndeki kas gev\u015fekli\u011finden sonunun bar\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131k oldu\u011fu m\u00fcjdesi al\u0131nan bir anneyi g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f gibi olurum. Bunu bir kere g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra art\u0131k fazla tela\u015fa, korkuya mahal kalmaz, hatta a\u011f\u0131rdan almaya ba\u015flar\u0131m. Evet, Sara\u00e7hane’nin y\u00fcz\u00fcnde, pidenin elde b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 unda, kocaman \u00e7ay bardaklar\u0131nda, esnaf lokantas\u0131nda pilav\u0131n yan\u0131na boylu boyunca manas\u0131zca yatm\u0131\u015f sivribiberin teslimiyetinde, yo\u011furt k\u00e2selerinde, tavu\u011fun p\u00f6rs\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f derisinde, \u00f6denen hesab\u0131n insaf\u0131nda, ba\u015fka ekose g\u00f6mlekli bir efendinin u\u011furlay\u0131\u015f\u0131nda bir insaf ve merhamet bulurum. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131n avlusunda ko\u015fu\u015ftu\u011fu, duvar\u0131nda yeni do\u011fum yapm\u0131\u015f kedinin ince, merakl\u0131 surat\u0131nda, k\u0131sa albenisiz t\u00fcylerinde, \u00f6n\u00fcne at\u0131lm\u0131\u015f sevemeyece\u011fi yiyece\u011fe bak\u0131\u015f\u0131nda ve onu kabule \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmas\u0131nda bir insaf ve merhamet bulurum. Avluda ah\u015fap s\u0131rada otururken konu\u015fulan adam\u0131n durgun y\u00fcz\u00fcnde, ba\u015fkas\u0131na s\u00f6ylenemeyecek bir itiraf\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 orac\u0131kta duydu\u011funda dile getirdi\u011fi be\u015ferli\u011fin aczini diliyle sarf edi\u015finde \u015fifa bulurum. B\u00fct\u00fcn kalbi s\u0131vayan mayide yabanc\u0131 dillerde olmayan bir renk ve yirmi sene ma\u011farada bekletilmekle \u00f6v\u00fcnmeyen, \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 koyunu h\u00e2l\u00e2 otlayan Caminin i\u00e7inde, kandillerin damlas\u0131nda, sessiz bir s\u00fctun arkas\u0131nda, mahfilin iki yan\u0131nda duran uzun boylu comtois saatlerin t\u0131k\u0131rt\u0131s\u0131nda ve renkli kadranlar\u0131nda, akrep yelkovan\u0131n yer yer solukla\u015fm\u0131\u015f menevi\u015finde, a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131klar\u0131n sars\u0131larak a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 ini\u015f sesinde, \u00e7ekicin \u00e7almaya haz\u0131rlan\u0131rkenki bo\u015flu\u011fu duyup geri \u00e7ekili\u015finde, gen\u00e7, solgun y\u00fczl\u00fc, \u00f6ne arkaya sallanarak okuyan delikanl\u0131n\u0131n b\u00fckt\u00fc\u011f\u00fc dizlerini hafif\u00e7e yer de\u011fi\u015ftiri\u015finde, v\u00fccudunun rahats\u0131zl\u0131k duymas\u0131ndan duydu\u011fu rahats\u0131zl\u0131k, yutkunmak i\u00e7in hep son an\u0131 bekleyi\u015finde hastal\u0131\u011fa sebep olanlar\u0131n bilmedikleri bir \u015fifa bulurum. B\u00fct\u00fcn bu bulduklar\u0131m birka\u00e7 zaman i\u00e7inde bana da tesir eder ve bunlardan s\u0131zan bir katre beni g\u00fcnler sonra tekrar iyi eder. Evimde \u015f\u00f6yle bir durdu\u011fumda b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm, duydu\u011fum, hissetti\u011fim \u015feylerle camdan bak\u0131\u015f\u0131mdaki hal bana tesir eder. \u00c7ok ama \u00e7ok a\u011f\u0131r bir \u015fey beni ezerek iyi eder.”<\/p>\n

\u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Zaman\u0131n Fark\u0131nda, \u0130leti\u015fim Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2015 [2011], 5. bas\u0131m, s. 175-7.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Vakit ge\u00e7irmek \u00e7ok zor de\u011fil. Bazen bir ta\u015f midemi ayr\u0131, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131, t\u00fcm varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131 eziyor olur, o ta\u015f\u0131 daha uzaktan bana do\u011fru yuvarlan\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan, daha g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde bana do\u011fru yol al\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan tan\u0131r\u0131m, kuvvetini bilirim. Ama yerimi de\u011fi\u015ftirsem de, bir yerlere ka\u00e7sam da beni bulaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilirim. Son yirmi-yirmi be\u015f senedir onu g\u00f6r\u00fcnce ka\u00e7m\u0131yorum da sadece kas\u0131l\u0131yorum. … Continue reading G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, S\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 ve Gezinti \u00dczerine<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33,8],"tags":[78,68,171],"class_list":["post-530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alinti","category-roman","tag-sikinti","tag-sule-gurbuz","tag-zamanin-farkinda"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9WYIs-8y","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":493,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/15\/gurbuz-durgunluk-ve-keder-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":530,"position":0},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Durgunluk ve Keder \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"15 November 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Babam gen\u00e7li\u011finde ve \u00f6\u011frencilik y\u0131llar\u0131nda, kendi tabiri ile \"Hayat onun i\u00e7ine damlarken\", bu damlay\u0131\u015fta yine kendi tabiri ile \"pasl\u0131 bir tat\" bulmu\u015f. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 nas\u0131l bulmu\u015f bilemiyorum. Babam\u0131n ya\u015f\u0131na ben de geldim, gezdi\u011fi \u00fclkeleri ben de gezdim ama onun g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve o hep s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc etti\u011fi pas izini g\u00f6remedim.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/coskuyla-olmek-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":810,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2018\/01\/06\/gurbuz-yasami-gozlemlemek\/","url_meta":{"origin":530,"position":1},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Ya\u015fam\u0131 G\u00f6zlemlemek","author":"yalpertem","date":"6 January 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Sanki oldum olas\u0131 bir b\u00fcy\u00fck oday\u0131 ar\u015f\u0131nl\u0131yor; ara s\u0131ra elimi muma uzat\u0131p yak\u0131yor, ve hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131 hep sonraya sakl\u0131yorum. \"Dur!\" denilen yeri de, ya\u015famak \u00fczere erteleye erteleye t\u00fcketiyorum. Beklerken beklemedi\u011fimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp kahkahalar at\u0131yor; bu arada elimi duvarlara, cama, burnuma, kalemlere... s\u00fcr\u00fcyorum. Kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyar gibi oluyor; ne a\u00e7\u0131yor ne de kap\u0131yorum.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/sule-gurbuz-kambur-198x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3152,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2020\/03\/01\/beckett-hep-daha-asagisi\/","url_meta":{"origin":530,"position":2},"title":"Beckett, Hep Daha A\u015fa\u011f\u0131s\u0131","author":"yalpertem","date":"1 March 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"'Koma ya\u015fayanlara \u00f6zg\u00fc bir \u015fey' Yok etme (\u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyordum onlar\u0131), kurmacaya yerle\u015fme ve empati (kendimi onlar\u0131n yerine koyuyordum) ya da bakarak uzakla\u015fma (g\u00f6zlerimle izliyordum) ile ge\u00e7en g\u00fcnler. Benlik hen\u00fcz olu\u015fmam\u0131\u015f, serpilememi\u015f bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc. \u00d6tekilerle birlikte kendi varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 deneyimleyerek, benim diyerek ya\u015fayam\u0131yor anlat\u0131c\u0131. Yine de par\u0131ldayan bir ate\u015f var, tamamen \u00f6l\u00fc de\u011fil\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/samuel-beckett-malone-%C3%B6l%C3%BCyor-213x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":344,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/10\/07\/cioran-uykusuzluk-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":530,"position":3},"title":"Cioran, Uykusuzluk \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"7 October 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Bu kadar \u015fahsi \u015feylerden s\u00f6z etmek \u00e7ok g\u00fc\u00e7. Ama madem ki uykusuzluktan bahsettiniz, ben gen\u00e7li\u011fimde uykusuzluk derdini ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f olman\u0131n o kadar da k\u00f6t\u00fc olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131na inan\u0131yorum. Son derece ac\u0131 verici bir tecr\u00fcbedir bu; bir felakettir. Ama ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n anlayamayaca\u011f\u0131 \u015feyleri anlaman\u0131z\u0131 sa\u011flar: Uykusuzluk sizi canl\u0131lar\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131r, insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda.\u00a0D\u0131\u015flanm\u0131\u015f\u00a0olursunuz. Ak\u015fam saat sekizde\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ezeli-maglup-emile-cioran-201x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":259,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/03\/gurbuz-kendini-anlatan-birisi\/","url_meta":{"origin":530,"position":4},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Kendini Anlatan Birisi","author":"yalpertem","date":"3 September 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Ben \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yere, gezip g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra girmek ve giderek k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fclerek orada kalmak, bitmek istiyorum. Ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m sorulursa, olur ya, sadece bekliyorum. Bazen \u00dcsk\u00fcdar'a y\u00fcr\u00fcrken g\u00f6zlerim sanki \u00e7ok ac\u0131l\u0131 ve a\u011flamakl\u0131 bir geceden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi k\u0131rp\u0131\u015farak, adeta tutu\u015farak yan\u0131yor. Etraf\u0131ma, gelen ge\u00e7ene bakmak istiyor, bakam\u0131yorum. G\u00f6zlerim k\u0131rp\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Bal\u0131klar, marullar, k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 so\u011fanlar,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/coskuyla-olmek-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":282,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/04\/gurbuz-sikinti-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":530,"position":5},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, S\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"4 September 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"\u00c7ocuklu\u011fumda s\u0131k\u0131l\u0131r, s\u0131k\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131m. Yeti\u015fme \u00e7a\u011f\u0131mda biraz daha ba\u015fka t\u00fcrl\u00fc s\u0131k\u0131lmaya, bazen s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131mdan utanmaya, bazen de s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131mdan gururlanmaya ba\u015flad\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00f6nceden s\u0131k\u0131lan bir bendim buna sebep s\u0131k\u0131lmak utan\u0131lacak bir \u015feydi. Sonra s\u0131k\u0131lanlarda bir hava ve ba\u015fkal\u0131k oldu\u011funu g\u00f6recek kadar etrafa a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131nca bunu ben de bir e\u015farp gibi, \u015fapka gibi takt\u0131m. Be\u011fenmesem\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/oyle-miymis-sule-gurbuz-198x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=530"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}