{"id":493,"date":"2017-11-15T20:55:24","date_gmt":"2017-11-15T18:55:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/?p=493"},"modified":"2017-11-18T12:53:30","modified_gmt":"2017-11-18T10:53:30","slug":"gurbuz-durgunluk-ve-keder-uzerine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/15\/gurbuz-durgunluk-ve-keder-uzerine\/","title":{"rendered":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Durgunluk ve Keder \u00dczerine"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"“Babam gen\u00e7li\u011finde ve \u00f6\u011frencilik y\u0131llar\u0131nda, kendi tabiri ile “Hayat onun i\u00e7ine damlarken”, bu damlay\u0131\u015fta yine kendi tabiri ile “pasl\u0131 bir tat” bulmu\u015f. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 nas\u0131l bulmu\u015f bilemiyorum. Babam\u0131n ya\u015f\u0131na ben de geldim, gezdi\u011fi \u00fclkeleri ben de gezdim ama onun g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve o hep s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc etti\u011fi pas izini g\u00f6remedim. Ve babam\u0131n bana bazen dedi\u011fi uzay gemisi g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f de kimseyi inand\u0131ramam\u0131\u015f bir meczup gibi kendi g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc ile kendi s\u0131rlanm\u0131\u015f hali bana muammal\u0131 bir tuhafl\u0131ktan \u00f6te gelemedi. Aram\u0131zdaki da\u011f da san\u0131r\u0131m buydu. R\u00fczg\u00e2ra, ota ve ya\u011fmura m\u00fcthi\u015f bir kederle bakard\u0131, g\u00fcne\u015fe ve alacakaranl\u0131\u011fa yine kederle bakard\u0131, kar ya\u011fd\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ayr\u0131 bir keder, bahar geldi\u011finde can\u0131 yanm\u0131\u015f gibi ayr\u0131 bir keder duyard\u0131. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar vard\u0131 da o mu duyard\u0131, \u00f6yle mi hissederdi bilemiyorum. Bir keresinde \u00c7emberlita\u015f Sinemas\u0131’n\u0131n bulundu\u011fu pasajda bir muhallebicide otururken babam, canl\u0131 cans\u0131z, asl\u0131nda hepsi canl\u0131, her \u015feyin havada y\u00fczd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve o sahiplenir sahiplenmez, onlar\u0131 tan\u0131r tan\u0131maz bu tan\u0131d\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131n hemen \u00fczerine kondu\u011funu ve art\u0131k onun oldu\u011funu anlatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Demesine g\u00f6re k\u00e2inatta her \u015fey kendini tan\u0131yan\u0131 ve kabule haz\u0131r olan\u0131 ar\u0131yordu. O bunlar\u0131 tan\u0131yor, tan\u0131nanlar da bir aile ferdi gibi ona konup onun oluyorlard\u0131. Tan\u0131yan ve kabul eden, buyur eden az oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in bir tan\u0131yan g\u00f6r\u00fcnce en uzak yerdeki bile gelip art\u0131k yerle\u015fiyordu. “Zor duygular uzaktan sevilir, h\u00fcrmet edilir ama kabul g\u00f6rmez, yakla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131lamaz,” derdi babam. Zor duygularla ya\u015famak anla\u015f\u0131lan hafif ve u\u00e7ucular\u0131n da varsa ta\u015f\u0131nmas\u0131na, g\u00f6\u00e7\u00fcne, de\u011filse hi\u00e7 gelmemesine sebep oluyordu. Babam\u0131n t\u00fcm bak\u0131\u015f\u0131 onlar\u0131 tan\u0131maya, ay\u0131rmaya ve ke\u015ffe y\u00f6nelikti. Ac\u0131 \u00e7ekti\u011fi halde di\u011fer ac\u0131 \u00e7ekenleri ay\u0131r\u0131yor ve kendine al\u0131yordu, art\u0131k onlarla beraber ya\u015f\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n

Yeti\u015fme \u00e7a\u011f\u0131nda anla\u015f\u0131lan rahat bir ortamda ve haldeymi\u015f. Didinme ve ya\u015fama gailesi \u00fcst\u00fcne yap\u0131\u015f\u0131k olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan o da g\u00f6zlerini etrafa \u00e7evirmi\u015f. \u00c7eviri\u015f de o \u00e7eviri\u015f olmu\u015f ve bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n i\u00e7ine hapsolmu\u015f. Kad\u0131k\u00f6y’de ve Moda’da bakacak fazla bir \u015fey g\u00f6remememi\u015f, yolu \u00dcsk\u00fcdar’a var\u0131nca o zamanki harap Fethi Pa\u015fa Korusu, Vanik\u00f6y s\u0131rtlar\u0131, Beylerbeyi bostanlar\u0131, Beykoz… derken \u00dcsk\u00fcdar’\u0131n i\u00e7leri onu kendine \u00e7ekmi\u015f. G\u00fcnlerini buralarda dola\u015farak ge\u00e7irmi\u015f. Giderek cami avlular\u0131, medrese eskileri, kubbeler, yaz\u0131lar, mezarl\u0131klar ve mezar ta\u015flar\u0131… Uzun vaktini buralarda ve bunlar\u0131 seyrederek ge\u00e7irmeye ba\u015flam\u0131\u015f. Tam emin olmamakla birlikte bir vakit haf\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, bir vakit kud\u00fcm vurmaya devam etti\u011fini, uzun yaz ve sonbahar gecelerini hep camilerde, daha da ziyade \u00e7evre ve avlular\u0131nda sabahlayarak ge\u00e7irdi\u011fini biliyorum. E\u015fi dostu tuhaft\u0131r, vard\u0131. Arayan\u0131 soran\u0131, ona derin bir ba\u011fla ba\u011fl\u0131 olanlar vard\u0131. Bunlar ne vakit ya da ne \u015fekil olu\u015fmu\u015f, o da malumum de\u011fil. Babam\u0131n ba\u015fkalar\u0131na hitab\u0131nda ve olaylar\u0131 kar\u015f\u0131lay\u0131\u015f\u0131nda vakarl\u0131 ve y\u00fcksek bir tavr\u0131 hep vard\u0131. Bunun mihengi belki de hi\u00e7 kendinde taraf olmay\u0131\u015f\u0131yd\u0131. Vicdan\u0131n\u0131 rahatlatman\u0131n tek yolunu her t\u00fcrl\u00fc hakl\u0131l\u0131k paylar\u0131ndan feragatte bulmu\u015ftu. Ba\u015fka t\u00fcrl\u00fc m\u00fcsterih olunmaz diyordu. Alacakl\u0131 olmak, onu san\u0131r\u0131m vakarl\u0131 ve kendince g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc diyemeyece\u011fim ama d\u00fcnyan\u0131n bu k\u0131st\u0131rmas\u0131nda kapanlara basa basa y\u00fcr\u00fcyebilen birisi yap\u0131yordu. Ama en b\u00fcy\u00fck dert bu kapanlardan birisine olsun tutulmamak de\u011fil miydi? Sonralar\u0131 \u00e7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm, hi\u00e7bir \u015feye ba\u011fl\u0131 ve ra\u011fbette olmamak onu ba\u015fka her \u015feyle rab\u0131tal\u0131 m\u0131 yapt\u0131 diye. Ama asl\u0131nda \u015funu s\u00f6ylemekle yanl\u0131\u015fa d\u00fc\u015fsem de bu yanl\u0131\u015f bir do\u011fruya a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131r ki o da s\u00f6ylenecek her \u015feyin izlenimci bir tav\u0131rla s\u00f6ylenebilece\u011fidir. Babam hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi sevk-i tabiisi d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda yapmad\u0131. Otlar\u0131n kederi i\u00e7in de birisi laz\u0131md\u0131, a\u011flamak i\u00e7in de, sadece bakmak i\u00e7in de birisi laz\u0131md\u0131, sadece duracak birisi de, bu da galiba benim babamd\u0131.”<\/p>\n

\u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Co\u015fkuyla \u00d6lmek, \u0130leti\u015fim Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2015 [2012], 4. bask\u0131, s. 98-100.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Babam gen\u00e7li\u011finde ve \u00f6\u011frencilik y\u0131llar\u0131nda, kendi tabiri ile “Hayat onun i\u00e7ine damlarken”, bu damlay\u0131\u015fta yine kendi tabiri ile “pasl\u0131 bir tat” bulmu\u015f. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 nas\u0131l bulmu\u015f bilemiyorum. Babam\u0131n ya\u015f\u0131na ben de geldim, gezdi\u011fi \u00fclkeleri ben de gezdim ama onun g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve o hep s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc etti\u011fi pas izini g\u00f6remedim. Ve babam\u0131n bana bazen dedi\u011fi … Continue reading G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Durgunluk ve Keder \u00dczerine<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33,8],"tags":[69,169,68],"class_list":["post-493","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alinti","category-roman","tag-coskuyla-olmek","tag-durgunluk","tag-sule-gurbuz"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9WYIs-7X","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":259,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/03\/gurbuz-kendini-anlatan-birisi\/","url_meta":{"origin":493,"position":0},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Kendini Anlatan Birisi","author":"yalpertem","date":"3 September 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Ben \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yere, gezip g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra girmek ve giderek k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fclerek orada kalmak, bitmek istiyorum. Ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m sorulursa, olur ya, sadece bekliyorum. Bazen \u00dcsk\u00fcdar'a y\u00fcr\u00fcrken g\u00f6zlerim sanki \u00e7ok ac\u0131l\u0131 ve a\u011flamakl\u0131 bir geceden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi k\u0131rp\u0131\u015farak, adeta tutu\u015farak yan\u0131yor. Etraf\u0131ma, gelen ge\u00e7ene bakmak istiyor, bakam\u0131yorum. G\u00f6zlerim k\u0131rp\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Bal\u0131klar, marullar, k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 so\u011fanlar,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/coskuyla-olmek-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":470,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/13\/parnet-deleuze-spinoza-ve-kederle-beslenen-iktidar\/","url_meta":{"origin":493,"position":1},"title":"Parnet & Deleuze, Spinoza ve Kederle Beslenen \u0130ktidar","author":"yalpertem","date":"13 November 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Bir beden ne yapabilir? Deneyiniz, ama denemek i\u00e7in daha nice sak\u0131ncalar vard\u0131r. Yaln\u0131zca insanlar\u0131n de\u011fil, yerle\u015fik iktidarlar\u0131n da bize keder bula\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 tats\u0131z bir d\u00fcnyada ya\u015famaktay\u0131z. Keder, h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc etkiler eylem g\u00fcc\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fc en aza indirenlerdir. Yerle\u015fik iktidarlar\u0131n bizi k\u00f6leli\u011fe indirgemek i\u00e7in bizim kederlenmemize ihtiya\u00e7lar\u0131 vard\u0131r. Tiran, papaz ve tin al\u0131c\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n hayat\u0131n a\u011f\u0131r\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/diyaloglar-deleuze-parnet-208x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":530,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/19\/gurbuz-sikinti-gezinti-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":493,"position":2},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, S\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 ve Gezinti \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"19 November 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Vakit ge\u00e7irmek \u00e7ok zor de\u011fil. Bazen bir ta\u015f midemi ayr\u0131, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131, t\u00fcm varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131 eziyor olur, o ta\u015f\u0131 daha uzaktan bana do\u011fru yuvarlan\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan, daha g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde bana do\u011fru yol al\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan tan\u0131r\u0131m, kuvvetini bilirim. Ama yerimi de\u011fi\u015ftirsem de, bir yerlere ka\u00e7sam da beni bulaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilirim. Son yirmi-yirmi be\u015f senedir onu\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/zamanin-farkinda-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4924,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2022\/05\/22\/gurbuz-kiyamet-emeklisi-notlar-i\/","url_meta":{"origin":493,"position":3},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, K\u0131yamet Emeklisi | Notlar 1","author":"yalpertem","date":"22 May 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"\u0130ki ciltlik, 1000 sayfaya yak\u0131nsayan K\u0131yamet Emeklisi'ni okurken okudu\u011fum yerleri unutmamak i\u00e7in ara ara notlar almaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015faca\u011f\u0131m. Belki tad\u0131na daha da \u00e7ok var\u0131r\u0131m b\u00f6ylece. Hevesim baki kal\u0131r, intihalden de mail almazsam umar\u0131m devam edebilirim. Sayfa numaras\u0131 yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m al\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n hepsi \u015furadan: \u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, K\u0131yamet Emeklisi - Birinci Cilt, \u0130leti\u015fim Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2022.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":937,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2018\/02\/07\/pamuk-kendi-hikayesi-uzerine-dusunen-yazar\/","url_meta":{"origin":493,"position":4},"title":"Pamuk, Kendi Hik\u00e2yesi \u00dczerine D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnen Yazar","author":"yalpertem","date":"7 February 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Hik\u00e2yemdeki gibi tuhaf ve \u015fa\u015f\u0131rt\u0131c\u0131 olan\u0131 aramal\u0131y\u0131m\u0131\u015f\u0131z; evet, d\u00fcnyan\u0131n bu b\u0131kk\u0131nl\u0131k verici s\u0131k\u0131c\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 yapabilece\u011fimiz belki de tek \u015fey buymu\u015f; bunu, hep ayn\u0131 \u015feylerin tekrarland\u0131\u011f\u0131 o \u00e7ocukluk ve okul y\u0131llar\u0131ndan beri bildi\u011fi i\u00e7in, hayatta d\u00f6rt duvar aras\u0131na kapanmay\u0131 akl\u0131na bile getirmemi\u015f; bu y\u00fczden b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00f6mr\u00fcn\u00fc gezilerde, bitip t\u00fckenmeyen yollarda hik\u00e2yeler\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/orhan-pamuk-beyaz-kale-200x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5072,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2022\/07\/03\/gurbuz-kiyamet-emeklisi-notlar-4\/","url_meta":{"origin":493,"position":5},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, K\u0131yamet Emeklisi | Notlar 4","author":"yalpertem","date":"3 July 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"[235-] Aziz'in kula\u011f\u0131ndaki ta\u015flar \u00e7\u0131kart\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, Kas\u0131m gelmi\u015f, 70'lerin sonlar\u0131nda olsak gerek. Baba'dan \"vakar\"l\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcnme \u00fcst\u00fcne bir \u00f6vg\u00fc al\u0131yor, vakar\u0131 olmasa da varm\u0131\u015f gibi yapmak iyidir diyor Baba (s. 236). Vakar'\u0131n ilk \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 Ishiguro'nun G\u00fcnden Kalanlar'\u0131. \u00c7ok \u00e7ok uzaklardan da olsa, o roman Aziz'e hayat\u0131n nas\u0131l ya\u015fanabilece\u011fine dair olumsuz bir \u00f6neri\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "genel"","block_context":{"text":"genel","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/genel\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/493","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=493"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/493\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=493"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=493"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=493"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}