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<\/p>\r\nKar\u0131ncalar\u0131n G\u00fcnbat\u0131m\u0131’n\u0131 okuyal\u0131 bir y\u0131l kadar oldu, Biberyan’\u0131n di\u011fer romanlar\u0131na hen\u00fcz devam etmedim ama Meteliksiz A\u015f\u0131klar’\u0131 yak\u0131n\u0131mda tutuyorum, okuyaca\u011f\u0131m, \u015fiddeti s\u00fcrerse de Yaln\u0131zlar’\u0131. Her \u015feye ra\u011fmen yine bir bahar geldi, y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f yollar\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131. Ba\u015fka bir \u0130stanbul y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f\u00fc okuyunca i\u015ftah\u0131m kabard\u0131, d\u00fcn sabah biraz erken uyan\u0131nca ge\u00e7mi\u015ften bir y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f pasaj\u0131 okuyay\u0131m dedim. Nedense ilk akl\u0131ma bu roman geldi. Hareket halindeyken mekanlar\u0131 s\u0131k s\u0131k ad\u0131yla anan sayfalar ve Aylak’\u0131n rotalar\u0131yla kesi\u015fmeler vard\u0131.<\/p>\r\n
Sayfalar\u0131 kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131nca \u00f6nce Baret’in ablas\u0131 Hilda’y\u0131 Kad\u0131k\u00f6y \u0130skelesi’nde g\u00f6r\u00fcp takip etmeye ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 b\u00f6l\u00fcme rastlad\u0131m (s. 138-41). Hilda’y\u0131 tek ba\u015f\u0131na, s\u00fcslenmi\u015f bir \u015fekilde dola\u015f\u0131rken g\u00f6r\u00fcp pe\u015fine d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fc b\u00f6l\u00fcm. Vapurla onun pe\u015fi s\u0131ra Karak\u00f6y’e yolculuk ediyor, oradan T\u00fcnel’e \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordu Baret. Hilda Taksim’e kadar \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p tekrardan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya Galatasaray’a d\u00f6n\u00fcyor, Deg\u00fcstasyon’un \u00f6n\u00fcnde biraz d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp sonra l\u00fcks bir mek\u00e2na, Hatay’a oturuyordu. \u015ea\u015f\u0131rm\u0131\u015f, ablas\u0131n\u0131n o \u00e7evrede tan\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark etmi\u015fti Baret. Hilda’y\u0131 uzaktan g\u00f6zledi, bekledi, sonra tekrardan pe\u015fine tak\u0131l\u0131p Kad\u0131k\u00f6y vapuruyla eve d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Biraz dola\u015f\u0131p eve girdi. Evde, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey olmam\u0131\u015f gibi kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131yordu ablas\u0131 Baret’i.<\/p>\r\n
Edebiyatta ve sinemada kad\u0131nlar\u0131n pe\u015finde \u015fehrin sokaklar\u0131nda dola\u015fan bekar erkeklere a\u015finay\u0131z, ayn\u0131 erkeklerin ablalar\u0131n\u0131n pe\u015finde bu so\u011fukkanl\u0131l\u0131kla dola\u015fmas\u0131naysa o kadar de\u011fil. Ye\u015fil\u00e7am’da kli\u015fe bir aile i\u00e7i \u015fiddet sahnesiyle bitebilecek bu plan, evde s\u00fcrekli s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc saklayan, bekleyen, bunalan Hilda’n\u0131n kendine ait bir i\u00e7 ve d\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyas\u0131 oldu\u011funa ve bunu biz okurlar\u0131n pek kolay ke\u015ffedemeyece\u011fine dair imalarla y\u00fckleniyordu.<\/p>\r\n
Bu b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc okuduktan sonra kitab\u0131 kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131nca ba\u015fka bir pasajda tak\u0131ld\u0131m. Araya giren di\u011fer kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmalar var m\u0131yd\u0131 hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum ama yine Hilda’ya, ya da onun hayaletine rastlad\u0131 Baret, bir ba\u015fka y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015fte. Y\u0131lba\u015f\u0131nda ne yapaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmeden dola\u015f\u0131yordu bu sefer. \u0130\u015f \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131 Beyo\u011flu’na kar\u0131\u015fmay\u0131 en \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fim aktarma noktalar\u0131ndan Hal\u0131c\u0131o\u011flu ile ba\u015flay\u0131p T\u00fcnel’den Bal\u0131kpazar\u0131’na vard\u0131\u011f\u0131; kalabal\u0131klar\u0131, kar\u0131ncalar\u0131, sava\u015fs\u0131z y\u0131lba\u015f\u0131 g\u00fcn\u00fc, \u015f\u0131kl\u0131\u011fa kini ve yorgunlu\u011fu ile Baret, titriyor, orada hen\u00fcz k\u0131\u015f.<\/p>\r\n
<\/p>\r\n
“<\/p>\r\n
Hal\u0131c\u0131o\u011flu’nun karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan sonra, Karak\u00f6y g\u00f6zlerini kama\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131. O zaman y\u0131lba\u015f\u0131 oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rlad\u0131. Y\u0131llard\u0131r \u0130stanbul’da y\u0131lba\u015f\u0131 ge\u00e7irmemi\u015fti.<\/p>\r\n
Hali\u00e7 \u0130skelesi’nden T\u00fcnel’e, k\u00f6pr\u00fcden, kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131nda iti\u015f kak\u0131\u015f y\u00fcr\u00fcyerek ge\u00e7ti. Yabanc\u0131 g\u00f6zlerle Cenyo’yu, Tokatl\u0131’y\u0131, Cumhuriyet’in Noel babalar\u0131n\u0131, Bonmar\u015fe’yi seyretti. T\u00fcnel de, T\u00fcnel’deki ahali de de\u011fi\u015fikti bug\u00fcn bu saatte. Aylardan beri, saat sekiz-dokuzan sonraki T\u00fcnel’e al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. On iki-on sekiz ya\u015flar\u0131 aras\u0131ndaki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck i\u015f\u00e7i \u00e7ocuklar, Per\u015fembe Pazar\u0131’n\u0131n g\u00fcne\u015f g\u00f6rmeyen nemli at\u00f6lyelerinden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f, \u00fcstleri ba\u015flar\u0131 metal tozlar\u0131yla kirlenmi\u015f, kir pas i\u00e7inde, yorgun arg\u0131n, bu saatten sonra evlerine d\u00f6n\u00fcyor oluyorlard\u0131. Hepsinin elinde, ya\u011fl\u0131 gazete k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131na sar\u0131l\u0131 sefertaslar\u0131 olurdu.<\/p>\r\n
Bug\u00fcn bu saatte, \u00fcst\u00fc ba\u015f\u0131 d\u00fczg\u00fcn insanlar \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordu T\u00fcnel’e. Eskiden ailece Pera’ya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131klar\u0131nda g\u00f6rmeye al\u0131\u015f\u0131k oldu\u011fu t\u00fcrden insanlar. Hepsinin elinde g\u00fczelce sar\u0131l\u0131p ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015f paketler, kutular vard\u0131. \u0130stanbul sava\u015fs\u0131z ilk y\u0131lba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015f\u0131yordu. Bunun hat\u0131rlanacak bir g\u00fcn oldu\u011funu fark etti, ama hi\u00e7bir co\u015fku duymad\u0131. Kendisine hep en tatl\u0131 heyecanlar\u0131 arma\u011fan etmi\u015f olan y\u0131lba\u015f\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 so\u011fuk bir ilgisizlik duydu i\u00e7inde. T\u00fcm bu kalabal\u0131klara, bu d\u00fckk\u00e2nlara, \u0131\u015f\u0131klara, paketlere, par\u0131lt\u0131l\u0131 a\u011fa\u00e7lara, g\u00f6rsel e\u011flencelere, bu hayhuya kar\u015f\u0131, bu \u015f\u0131k bayanlara ve baylara kar\u015f\u0131, y\u00fcre\u011finin derinliklerinde bir kin duydu. B\u00fct\u00fcn insanlar\u0131 \u00e7ocukla\u015fm\u0131\u015f, \u00e7\u0131lg\u0131nla\u015fm\u0131\u015f g\u00f6rd\u00fc. Onlar\u0131n acelesini, bir \u015feyler yapma, bir \u015feyler becerme, bir yerlere yeti\u015fme tela\u015f\u0131n\u0131, d\u00fckk\u00e2nlara girip \u00e7\u0131kmalar\u0131n\u0131, pazarl\u0131k etmelerini, sat\u0131n almalar\u0131n\u0131, tebrikle\u015fmelerini, yapmac\u0131k g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015flerini k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmsemeyle, neredeyse k\u0131zg\u0131nl\u0131kla izledi. \u00c7ocukken, say\u0131s\u0131z kar\u0131ncan\u0131n bir tepecikten di\u011ferine, bir delikten \u00f6tekine hummal\u0131 ko\u015fu\u015fturmas\u0131n\u0131 hayretle seyretti\u011fi gibi, y\u00fcksek tepeden bakt\u0131 caddeye. Kar\u0131ncalar, kar\u0131ncalar…<\/p>\r\n
Sinsi sinsi g\u00fcld\u00fc kendine. Lula belki de hediyesini bekliyordu. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey almayacakt\u0131. Hi\u00e7 kimseye hi\u00e7bir \u015fey almayacakt\u0131. Hatta \u00e7ok paras\u0131 olsa bile almayacakt\u0131.<\/p>\r\n
Galatasaray’a varmak \u00fczereydi. Ayaklar\u0131 \u0131slanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131, ya\u011fmur ya\u011f\u0131yordu. Hafif, inat\u00e7\u0131 bir ya\u011fmur. Kendisine de bir \u015fey almayacakt\u0131. Zaten alamazd\u0131. Ayakkab\u0131s\u0131 delindi\u011finden beri, ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 parayla iyi k\u00f6t\u00fc karn\u0131n\u0131 doyurduktan ve kiray\u0131 \u00f6dedikten sonra, ba\u015fka bir \u015fey yapamayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Hatta alabilse bile bug\u00fcn ayakkab\u0131 almayacakt\u0131. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey almayacakt\u0131. Hemen gidip yatmak, uyumak istiyordu. Uykusuzlu\u011fun ve haz\u0131ms\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 sabaha kar\u015f\u0131 kusmak \u00fczere, herkesin yiyip i\u00e7ti\u011fi, oynad\u0131\u011f\u0131, unuttu\u011fu, unutmak istedi\u011fi, b\u00fct\u00fcn evlerin \u0131\u015f\u0131l \u0131\u015f\u0131l oldu\u011fu \u015fehrin merkezinde bir adac\u0131k gibi karanl\u0131k, so\u011fuk odas\u0131nda uyumu\u015f oldu\u011funu hayal etti ve bir ho\u015fluk kaplad\u0131 i\u00e7ini. Kim bilir, tabii Lula da en yeni elbisesini giymi\u015f, evi d\u00fczeltmi\u015f, topluca oynanan bu oyuna kat\u0131lmaya kalkm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 \u015fimdi. Belki de onu bekliyordu. Belki de onu kendi odalar\u0131na davet edecekti, ama o reddedecekti. Alay ederek, “Ne\u00a0\u00e7ocuk<\/em>sun Lula!” diyecekti.<\/p>\r\n Birden Hilda’y\u0131 fark etti. Tesad\u00fcfen mi g\u00f6z\u00fc kaym\u0131\u015ft\u0131 oraya? Her neyse, i\u00e7erideki s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131n etkisiyle, Hatay’\u0131n bu\u011fulanm\u0131\u015f cam\u0131ndan Hilda’yla g\u00f6z g\u00f6ze gelir gibi olunca yer yar\u0131ld\u0131 adeta. \u00d6ylesine apar topar ka\u00e7t\u0131 ki, kendisini ger\u00e7ekten g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f olup olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 do\u011frulayamad\u0131. Hilda’n\u0131n, arkas\u0131ndan ko\u015ftu\u011fundan emindi. Kendini Bal\u0131kpazar\u0131’ndan i\u00e7eri att\u0131. Islak kald\u0131r\u0131mlar\u0131 seyyar sat\u0131c\u0131lar kaplam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Kalabal\u0131ktan, ko\u015fmak m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fildi. Arkas\u0131na bakmadan insanlar\u0131n i\u00e7ine kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\r\n Girecek bir delik arad\u0131. Yerrortutyun Kilisesi’nin karanl\u0131k kap\u0131s\u0131 kurtar\u0131c\u0131 oldu. I\u015f\u0131klar\u0131n, hayat\u0131n orta yerinde, uykudan esneyen o zindandan i\u00e7eri s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcverdi.<\/p>\r\n Giri\u015fte, mumlar\u0131n bulundu\u011fu odada, h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc bir g\u00f6revli vard\u0131.<\/p>\r\n Avlunun en karanl\u0131k k\u00f6\u015fesine gidip duvara yasland\u0131. Kalp at\u0131\u015flar\u0131 gittik\u00e7e yava\u015flad\u0131 ve \u00fc\u015f\u00fcmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. “G\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm kad\u0131n ger\u00e7ekten Hilda m\u0131yd\u0131?” diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc. \u015eimdi emin de\u011fildi. Bu\u011fulu camlar o kadar bulan\u0131kt\u0131 ki. Hilda’y\u0131 ilk g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc g\u00fcnk\u00fc gibi, yine ayn\u0131 yerde, \u00e7ay masas\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, ama bug\u00fcn oturan Hilda m\u0131yd\u0131?<\/p>\r\n Sakinle\u015fip ger\u00e7ek d\u00fcnyaya d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Kafas\u0131 yeniden \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131ndaki bulan\u0131k k\u00fctle, kilise binas\u0131n\u0131n ta kendisiydi. Camlardan mum \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 yans\u0131yordu. \u0130\u00e7eride, orta yerde, etraf\u0131na yanan mumlar dizilmi\u015f bir k\u00fctle var gibi geldi ona. Bir ilahi duymak i\u00e7in kulak kabartt\u0131. Kalbi k\u00fct k\u00fct at\u0131yordu. Kap\u0131ya yakla\u015f\u0131p camdan i\u00e7eri bakmay\u0131, hayal etti\u011fi \u015feyi do\u011frulamay\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc… Birden geri d\u00f6n\u00fcp kendini d\u0131\u015far\u0131, Bal\u0131kpazar\u0131’n\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131na, pat\u0131rt\u0131s\u0131na ve \u00e7amuruna att\u0131. Nefes ald\u0131. Midesinde keskin ve sinsi bir a\u011fr\u0131 dola\u015f\u0131yordu. Evi, Lula’y\u0131, yatmay\u0131 unutmu\u015ftu. Yatmak istemiyordu. Yaln\u0131z kalmak istemiyordu. Tarlaba\u015f\u0131’na inip Haybeden’e gitti. So\u011fuktan titriyordu.<\/p>\r\n “<\/p>\r\n Zaven Biberyan, Kar\u0131ncalar\u0131n G\u00fcnbat\u0131m\u0131, \u00e7ev. Sirvart Malhasyan, Aras Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2019 [tefrika 1970, roman 1984], s. 288-91.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"