{"id":3152,"date":"2020-03-01T21:49:50","date_gmt":"2020-03-01T18:49:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/?p=3152"},"modified":"2023-02-24T10:44:49","modified_gmt":"2023-02-24T09:44:49","slug":"beckett-hep-daha-asagisi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2020\/03\/01\/beckett-hep-daha-asagisi\/","title":{"rendered":"Beckett, Hep Daha A\u015fa\u011f\u0131s\u0131"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n

‘Koma ya\u015fayanlara \u00f6zg\u00fc bir \u015fey’<\/em><\/p>\r\n

Yok etme (\u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyordum onlar\u0131<\/em>), kurmacaya yerle\u015fme ve empati (kendimi onlar\u0131n yerine koyuyordum<\/em>) ya da bakarak uzakla\u015fma (g\u00f6zlerimle izliyordum<\/em>) ile ge\u00e7en g\u00fcnler. Benlik hen\u00fcz olu\u015fmam\u0131\u015f, serpilememi\u015f bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc. \u00d6tekilerle birlikte kendi varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 deneyimleyerek, benim diyerek ya\u015fayam\u0131yor anlat\u0131c\u0131. Yine de par\u0131ldayan bir ate\u015f var, tamamen \u00f6l\u00fc de\u011fil hen\u00fcz, \u00f6lmekte.<\/p>\r\n

Yaratmak anlat\u0131c\u0131n\u0131n ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n merkezinde. Denemi\u015f, olmam\u0131\u015f. Yitirdi\u011finde de olmuyor, kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131nda da. \u00c7ocuklu\u011funa gidiyoruz. Oyun oynamay\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenememi\u015f, sonras\u0131 zor olacak. Akranlar\u0131yla ili\u015fkisinde Beckett \u015fiddeti de varm\u0131\u015f, birden kan d\u00f6k\u00fclebilir.<\/p>\r\n

Sonunda bir ki\u015filik \u00f6zelli\u011fi: ciddiyet. Bir lanet olarak ya\u015f\u0131yor. Bu ciddiyeti ya\u015fama y\u00f6neltince kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k bekliyor, yan\u0131t\u0131n\u0131 bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc alam\u0131yor. Anlam uzakta, g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u00fcyor. Sadece dille ilgili bir mesafe de de\u011fil, dille de bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc ifade edilemiyor. Bu hal i\u00e7inde kendisi mi bulunuyor bir ba\u015fkas\u0131 m\u0131, o da \u015f\u00fcpheli. Kendiymi\u015f gibi anlatt\u0131klar\u0131 onunla ilgili de\u011fil. Ben derken hep ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131, daha a\u015fa\u011f\u0131da oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc birini anlat\u0131yor.<\/p>\r\n

\"\"<\/p>\r\n

“<\/p>\r\n

Uyuyakalm\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Oysa uyumak istemiyorum. Zaman\u0131m\u0131 uykuyla bo\u015fa ge\u00e7iremem. Uyumak \u2013hay\u0131r, a\u00e7\u0131klama yapmayaca\u011f\u0131m. Koma, ya\u015fayanlara \u00f6zg\u00fc bir \u015fey. Ya\u015fayanlara \u00f6zg\u00fc. Katlanam\u0131yordum hi\u00e7birine, belki de genelleme yapmam yanl\u0131\u015f, g\u00f6zlerimle izliyordum onlar\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131dan inleyerek, sonra da \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyordum ya da onlar\u0131n yerine koyuyordum kendimi veya uzakla\u015f\u0131yordum. \u015eu eski \u00e7\u0131lg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131n ate\u015fini duyumsuyorum i\u00e7imde ama bir daha tutu\u015fturamayacak beni, biliyorum. Her \u015feyi b\u0131rak\u0131yor ve bekliyorum. Sapo tek baca\u011f\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde devinimsizle\u015fiyor, yabans\u0131 g\u00f6zleri kapal\u0131. O ayd\u0131nlatan \u00e7alkant\u0131 binlerce anlams\u0131z duru\u015fta donup kal\u0131yor. \u015eanl\u0131 g\u00fcne\u015flerinin \u00f6n\u00fcnden ge\u00e7en k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bulut diledi\u011fimce karartacak d\u00fcnyay\u0131.<\/p>\r\n

Ya\u015famak ve yaratmak. \u00c7abalad\u0131m. \u00c7abalam\u0131\u015f olmal\u0131y\u0131m. Yaratmak do\u011fru bir s\u00f6zc\u00fck de\u011fil belki. Ya\u015famak da \u00f6yle. \u00d6nemi yok bunun. \u00c7abalad\u0131m. Ben \u00e7abalad\u0131k\u00e7a i\u00e7imdeki ciddiyet canavar\u0131 homurdan\u0131yor, k\u00fckr\u00fcyor, par\u00e7al\u0131yordu beni. Yapt\u0131m bunu. Yaln\u0131z ba\u015f\u0131ma kald\u0131\u011f\u0131mda, iyice gizlenip palya\u00e7oyu oynad\u0131m, yapayaln\u0131z, saatlerce k\u0131m\u0131ldamazd\u0131m yerimden, \u00e7o\u011funlukla ayaktayd\u0131m, b\u00fcy\u00fclenmi\u015ftim sanki, inlerdim. Do\u011fru bu, evet, inlerdim. Oynamay\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenemedim. Defalarca d\u00f6ner, ellerimi \u00e7\u0131rpar, ko\u015far, \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar atar, yitirdi\u011fimi g\u00f6r\u00fcr, kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcr, sevinir, ac\u0131 \u00e7ekerdim. Sonra aniden kar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131kan oyuncaklar\u0131n ya da bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun \u00fczerine at\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131m; oyuncaklar\u0131 par\u00e7alamak, \u00e7ocu\u011fun mutlulu\u011funu hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015flara d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcrmek isterdim ya da ad\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131kla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131r, saklanacak bir yer arard\u0131m. B\u00fcy\u00fckler, adalet yanl\u0131lar\u0131 yakalar ve d\u00f6verlerdi beni; d\u00fczene, oyuna, sevince yeniden teslim ederlerdi. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ciddilik sorun yaratmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 \u00e7oktand\u0131r. Hastal\u0131\u011f\u0131md\u0131 bu benim. Ba\u015fkalar\u0131 nas\u0131l frengili do\u011fuyorsa ben de ciddi do\u011fmu\u015ftum. Ciddiyetten kurtulmaya da ya\u015famaya da yaratmaya da ciddiyetle \u00e7abalam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, anl\u0131yorum kendimi. Ama her yeni \u00e7abalay\u0131\u015f\u0131mda pusulam\u0131 \u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131yor, \u00e7\u0131kar yol bulmak i\u00e7in de ya karanl\u0131klar\u0131ma g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fcyor ya da b\u00f6yle bir \u015feyi ne kendisi ya\u015fayan ne de ba\u015fkalar\u0131nda bu g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcye katlanabilen birinin \u00f6n\u00fcnde diz \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fcyordum.<\/em> Ya\u015famak diyorum ama bilmiyorum anlam\u0131n\u0131. Ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilmeden \u00e7abalad\u0131m buna. Belki de ya\u015fad\u0131m, kim bilir, hi\u00e7 fark\u0131na varmadan. Neden s\u00f6z ediyorum acaba bunlardan? Ya evet, bir par\u00e7a ne\u015felenmek i\u00e7in s\u00f6z ediyorum. Ya\u015famak ve ya\u015fatmak. S\u00f6zc\u00fckleri su\u00e7laman\u0131n bir yarar\u0131 yok art\u0131k, imledikleri \u015feylerden daha anlams\u0131z de\u011fil onlar<\/em>. Fiyaskodan, avuntudan, dinlenmeden sonra ba\u015fl\u0131yordum yeniden, ya\u015famak, ya\u015fatmak istemeye, ba\u015fkas\u0131nda ve kendimde bir ba\u015fkas\u0131 olmaya. Nas\u0131l da d\u00fczmece t\u00fcm bu anlatt\u0131klar\u0131m. \u015eu an bir a\u00e7\u0131klama yapacak zaman\u0131m yok. Yeniden ba\u015fl\u0131yordum. Ama yava\u015f yava\u015f hedef de\u011fi\u015ftiriyordum, ba\u015far\u0131n\u0131n de\u011fil ba\u015far\u0131s\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n pe\u015findeyim<\/em>. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bir ayr\u0131m var arada. \u0130lkin deli\u011fimden d\u0131\u015far\u0131 s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrken, sonra da \u00fcrpertici \u0131\u015f\u0131kta ula\u015f\u0131lmaz nimetlerin ard\u0131na d\u00fc\u015ferken tatmak istedi\u011fim \u015fey, ba\u015f d\u00f6nmelerinin, gev\u015feyi\u015flerin, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fc\u015flerin, dal\u0131\u015flar\u0131n, karanl\u0131\u011fa, hi\u00e7li\u011fe, ciddiyete, eve, beni hep beklemi\u015f olan, bana gereksinme duyan, benim de gereksinme duydu\u011fum ki\u015fiye d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn verdi\u011fi b\u00fcy\u00fck hazlard\u0131<\/em>; beni kollar\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131na al\u0131r, bir daha yan\u0131ndan ayr\u0131lmamam\u0131 s\u00f6ylerdi, bana yerini verir, \u00fcst\u00fcme titrerdi, yan\u0131ndan her ayr\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131mda ac\u0131 \u00e7ekerdi, \u00e7ok ac\u0131 \u00e7ektirdim ona, \u00e7ok az mutluluk verdim, hi\u00e7 g\u00f6rmedim onu. \u0130\u015fte yeniden unutuyorum kendimi. Ben de\u011filim burada s\u00f6z konusu olan, bir ba\u015fkas\u0131, benden \u00e7ok a\u015fa\u011f\u0131da olan bir ba\u015fkas\u0131, onu k\u0131skanmaya \u00e7abal\u0131yorum<\/em>; tats\u0131z ser\u00fcvenlerini anlatabilirim art\u0131k, nas\u0131l anlataca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 pek bilmesem de. Ya\u015famay\u0131 da ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131 anlatmay\u0131 da nas\u0131l bilmiyorsam, kendimden s\u00f6z etmeyi de beceremedim oldum olas\u0131. Hi\u00e7 \u00e7abalamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m buna, nas\u0131l becerecektim yani? Yabanc\u0131yla ayn\u0131 zamanda ortadan kalkmam\u0131n az \u00f6ncesinde, ayn\u0131 l\u00fctfun sonucu kendimi g\u00f6stermem olduk\u00e7a ilgin\u00e7 olurdu. Sonra yumulu g\u00f6zlerimin ard\u0131nda ba\u015fka g\u00f6zlerin kapand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyumsayacak kadar bir s\u00fcre de ya\u015fard\u0131m. Ne k\u00f6t\u00fc bir son.<\/p>\r\n

“<\/p>\r\n

Samuel Beckett, Malone \u00d6l\u00fcyor, \u00e7ev. U\u011fur \u00dcn, K\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 Kedi Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2017 [1951], s. 40-2.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

‘Koma ya\u015fayanlara \u00f6zg\u00fc bir \u015fey’ Yok etme (\u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyordum onlar\u0131), kurmacaya yerle\u015fme ve empati (kendimi onlar\u0131n yerine koyuyordum) ya da bakarak uzakla\u015fma (g\u00f6zlerimle izliyordum) ile ge\u00e7en g\u00fcnler. Benlik hen\u00fcz olu\u015fmam\u0131\u015f, serpilememi\u015f bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc. \u00d6tekilerle birlikte kendi varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 deneyimleyerek, benim diyerek ya\u015fayam\u0131yor anlat\u0131c\u0131. Yine de par\u0131ldayan bir ate\u015f var, tamamen \u00f6l\u00fc de\u011fil hen\u00fcz, \u00f6lmekte. Yaratmak anlat\u0131c\u0131n\u0131n ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n … Continue reading Beckett, Hep Daha A\u015fa\u011f\u0131s\u0131<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33,8],"tags":[618,367],"class_list":["post-3152","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alinti","category-roman","tag-malone-oluyor","tag-samuel-beckett"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9WYIs-OQ","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2563,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2019\/03\/30\/nelson-pharmakon-ve-yazi\/","url_meta":{"origin":3152,"position":0},"title":"Nelson, Pharmakon ve Yaz\u0131","author":"yalpertem","date":"30 March 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Yazarlar ara s\u0131ra an\u0131yorlar, \"ah bu yaz\u0131 i\u015fine bula\u015fmasayd\u0131m\", \"\u00f6nerim, e\u011fer hi\u00e7 yazmad\u0131ysan\u0131z, asla yazmay\u0131n\" gibi \u015feyler. \u0130lhan Berk'ten okumu\u015ftum herhalde en son. Nelson bu pasajda zehre de\u011finirken, al\u0131nt\u0131lamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m k\u0131s\u0131mda devaya de\u011finiyordu. Devay\u0131 kitaplarda aramamak gerekir diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnerek sadece zehir b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc koydum hat\u0131rlamak \u00fczere. 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Buran\u0131n g\u00fcnl\u00fck gibi bir yan\u0131 da oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in ileride d\u00f6n\u00fcp bakay\u0131m diye kay\u0131t alt\u0131na almak istedim. \u0130\u015fler, her zaman oldu\u011fu gibi, ba\u015fta d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm yolda ilerlemedi. \u201c\u0130\u015fler\u201d, \u201chayat\u201d ya da \u201cg\u00fcnler\u201d gibi kelimelerle sorumlulu\u011fu birinciden \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc tekile kayd\u0131rmay\u0131 seviyorum.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "proust notlar\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"proust notlar\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/proust-notlari\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/Bhupen-Khakhar-Landscaping-on-Head-1985-224x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1156,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2018\/04\/22\/nancy-felsefe-ozgurlugun-mantigi\/","url_meta":{"origin":3152,"position":4},"title":"Nancy, Felsefe: \u00d6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn Mant\u0131\u011f\u0131","author":"yalpertem","date":"22 April 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\" Bu \u00f6teki d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce ile y\u00fck\u00fcml\u00fc olan kimdir? \u0130\u015flemcisi, memuru ya da \"uzman\u0131\" olan kimse yoktur. Her d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncede bu \u00f6teki d\u00fc\u00ad\u015f\u00fcnce d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr -ve bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr, yani onu tartar, onu dener, onu \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn s\u0131nav\u0131na sokar. \"Her d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncede\" d\u00fc\u015f\u00fc\u00adn\u00fcr: bu, bir matematik d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesinde bir oyun olabilir, ya da bir politika, teknik,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/jean-luc-nancy-ozgurluk-deneyimi-191x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3783,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2020\/11\/16\/berlin-ii\/","url_meta":{"origin":3152,"position":5},"title":"Berlin II","author":"yalpertem","date":"16 November 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Buraya yerle\u015feli birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn oldu. \u00dc\u00e7 ayl\u0131k ge\u00e7ici bir s\u00f6zle\u015fmeyle e\u015fyal\u0131 bir dairede kal\u0131yorum. Ev sahibi evin i\u00e7ini IKEA tasar\u0131m evlere kar\u015f\u0131 ele\u015ftirel ve zanaat\u00e7i bir niyetle, par\u00e7alar\u0131 tek tek bulup toplayarak, ki\u015fisel bir tasar\u0131m zevkiyle haz\u0131rlam\u0131\u015f. Piyanist, piyano \u00f6\u011fretmeni (Isabelle Huppert yine g\u00f6z k\u0131rp\u0131yor). Son be\u015f alt\u0131 y\u0131ld\u0131r ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "berlin"","block_context":{"text":"berlin","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/berlin\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3152","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3152"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3152\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5929,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3152\/revisions\/5929"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3152"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3152"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3152"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}