{"id":259,"date":"2017-09-03T14:55:33","date_gmt":"2017-09-03T11:55:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/?p=259"},"modified":"2022-10-20T20:33:26","modified_gmt":"2022-10-20T18:33:26","slug":"gurbuz-kendini-anlatan-birisi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/03\/gurbuz-kendini-anlatan-birisi\/","title":{"rendered":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Kendini Anlatan Birisi"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"“Ben \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yere, gezip g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra girmek ve giderek k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fclerek orada kalmak, bitmek istiyorum. Ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m sorulursa, olur ya, sadece bekliyorum. Bazen \u00dcsk\u00fcdar’a y\u00fcr\u00fcrken g\u00f6zlerim sanki \u00e7ok ac\u0131l\u0131 ve a\u011flamakl\u0131 bir geceden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi k\u0131rp\u0131\u015farak, adeta tutu\u015farak yan\u0131yor. Etraf\u0131ma, gelen ge\u00e7ene bakmak istiyor, bakam\u0131yorum. G\u00f6zlerim k\u0131rp\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Bal\u0131klar, marullar, k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 so\u011fanlar, turplar; acaba onlar\u0131n bu tezgah ne\u015fesi nereden geliyor? Bir bal\u0131k suda tela\u015f ve korkuyla ya\u015f\u0131yor da \u015fu boyas\u0131 silinmi\u015f tahta tezgahta \u015fimdi b\u00f6yle a\u011fz\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131k, k\u0131pk\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 y\u00fczge\u00e7leri \u00e7evrilmi\u015f, turpla kom\u015fulu\u011fa raz\u0131 yat\u0131yor. Ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f olana \u00f6l\u00fcm zor gelmiyor. Yeter ki art\u0131k bir uzans\u0131n, \u015f\u00f6yle ka\u00e7madan korkmadan art\u0131k bir uzans\u0131n, ister marulun \u00fcst\u00fcne yats\u0131n, ister sahile bir ceset olarak vursun. Bal\u0131\u011fa hayran bakt\u0131m. Etrafta babam\u0131 tan\u0131yanlar\u0131n bana ac\u0131yarak bakt\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131n fark\u0131nday\u0131m. Sebebini anlam\u0131yorum ama seziyorum. Sezmek anlamaktan \u00e7ok k\u00f6t\u00fc. Anlamak bir, sezmek bindir, anlamak bir m\u00fcddet i\u00e7inizde y\u00fcr\u00fcr, anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131zla bir amorf da olsa \u015fekil al\u0131rs\u0131n\u0131z. Sezmek \u015fekilsiz ve hep sanc\u0131l\u0131d\u0131r, her g\u00fcn yeni bir sanc\u0131 do\u011furur. Babam belki anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile \u0131st\u0131rapl\u0131 idi, ben ise sezdiklerimle \u015fekilsiz ve kalitesiz, tan\u0131ms\u0131z ve arkada\u015fs\u0131z bir \u0131st\u0131raptay\u0131m. Etrafta babam\u0131n uyand\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir \u015fey varm\u0131\u015f, bende \u015fimdi etraf\u0131 uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131na pi\u015fman eden bir \u015fey var, biliyorum. Hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi bilmeyene bu gereksiz bilgiler niye verilir, bilmiyorum. Bazen \u00fcniversite y\u0131llar\u0131mda filmlerden etkilenen ve onlar\u0131 kendi hayat\u0131na aplike eden arkada\u015flar\u0131m vard\u0131. Ben de kendimi bir \u015feye ili\u015ftirmek ve tek ba\u015f\u0131ma bir \u015fey olmamak istiyorum. K\u00f6t\u00fc bir film g\u00f6rsem i\u00e7ine dalmak, bir k\u00f6hne eve girip yatmak istiyorum. Sonra da, bunlar zaten benim hayat\u0131m, zaten ekim, zaten \u00f6yleyim. \u00d6yleyim de \u015funu s\u00f6yleyeyim, \u00f6yleyim demek filmlerdeki gibi bir h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131r\u0131k, bir i\u00e7 \u00e7ekme, iki duble viski ile kabul edilir bir \u015fey de\u011fil. Kabul ettin, istersen etme, peki, yine de peki de, ne peki? Ha, ne peki? Bu buna d\u0131\u015far\u0131dan bakan\u0131n anl\u0131k bir sezgisi de\u011fildir, benim b\u00fct\u00fcn\u00fcme bir anda s\u0131zan hayat\u0131n ta kendisidir. \u015eimdi tekrar ba\u015flasam, ba\u015flayamam, \u00e7ok da i\u015ftahs\u0131z\u0131m, tatlarda da emin de\u011filim, g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fclerden de. \u015eimdi tekrardan babam\u0131n elini tutsam acaba ne olur? Onun benim elimi bir evlat eli gibi tuttu\u011fu vakte d\u00f6nsem, d\u00f6nebilece\u011fim ba\u015fka yer ve tutabilece\u011fim ba\u015fka \u015fey yok \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc. Arad\u0131m, bak\u0131nd\u0131m, evet \u015fuursuzdum, arayamad\u0131m bile, bu arama ile ne bulunur? Bak\u0131nd\u0131m da bu g\u00f6zler ne g\u00f6r\u00fcr, her \u015feyi ayn\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcr, bunu art\u0131k biliyorum. Ellerim, g\u00f6zlerim kendilerinden bir \u015fey umulur \u015feyler de\u011fil, bu belli. Babam\u0131n elinde iken onun uzatt\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 tutup bu \u00e7\u00f6l kurakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 az\u0131c\u0131k ye\u015fertebilirdim. Ama galiba babam\u0131n sand\u0131\u011f\u0131 kadar de\u011fil. Onun benim elime tutu\u015fturmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131 bu halimi gizlemeye yarayacakt\u0131, bundan kurtulmaya ya da ba\u015fka olmaya de\u011fil. \u0130lim ve irfan, yetenek ve olgunluk zaten hep g\u00f6rd\u00fcm ki \u00f6yle olunmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc olunamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 o yola dahi girememi\u015fe g\u00f6sterme ve \u00f6yle g\u00f6r\u00fcnme hali. Ben veya her kimse, ger\u00e7ekten bir \u015fey olsa bunu g\u00f6sterebilir mi, ben bir \u015fey olsam beni g\u00f6ren olur mu, bilen olur, tan\u0131yan olur mu? Biliyorum, olmaz. Olmaz. Olmaz.”<\/p>\n

\u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Co\u015fkuyla \u00d6lmek, \u0130leti\u015fim Yay\u0131nlar\u0131, 2015 [2012], 4. bask\u0131, s. 141-2.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Ben \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yere, gezip g\u00f6rd\u00fckten sonra girmek ve giderek k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fclerek orada kalmak, bitmek istiyorum. Ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m sorulursa, olur ya, sadece bekliyorum. Bazen \u00dcsk\u00fcdar’a y\u00fcr\u00fcrken g\u00f6zlerim sanki \u00e7ok ac\u0131l\u0131 ve a\u011flamakl\u0131 bir geceden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi k\u0131rp\u0131\u015farak, adeta tutu\u015farak yan\u0131yor. Etraf\u0131ma, gelen ge\u00e7ene bakmak istiyor, bakam\u0131yorum. G\u00f6zlerim k\u0131rp\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. Bal\u0131klar, marullar, k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 so\u011fanlar, turplar; acaba onlar\u0131n bu tezgah … Continue reading G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Kendini Anlatan Birisi<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33,8],"tags":[69,68],"class_list":["post-259","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alinti","category-roman","tag-coskuyla-olmek","tag-sule-gurbuz"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9WYIs-4b","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":282,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/04\/gurbuz-sikinti-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":259,"position":0},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, S\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"4 September 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"\u00c7ocuklu\u011fumda s\u0131k\u0131l\u0131r, s\u0131k\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131m. Yeti\u015fme \u00e7a\u011f\u0131mda biraz daha ba\u015fka t\u00fcrl\u00fc s\u0131k\u0131lmaya, bazen s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131mdan utanmaya, bazen de s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131mdan gururlanmaya ba\u015flad\u0131m. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00f6nceden s\u0131k\u0131lan bir bendim buna sebep s\u0131k\u0131lmak utan\u0131lacak bir \u015feydi. Sonra s\u0131k\u0131lanlarda bir hava ve ba\u015fkal\u0131k oldu\u011funu g\u00f6recek kadar etrafa a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131nca bunu ben de bir e\u015farp gibi, \u015fapka gibi takt\u0131m. Be\u011fenmesem\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/oyle-miymis-sule-gurbuz-198x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":493,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/15\/gurbuz-durgunluk-ve-keder-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":259,"position":1},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Durgunluk ve Keder \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"15 November 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Babam gen\u00e7li\u011finde ve \u00f6\u011frencilik y\u0131llar\u0131nda, kendi tabiri ile \"Hayat onun i\u00e7ine damlarken\", bu damlay\u0131\u015fta yine kendi tabiri ile \"pasl\u0131 bir tat\" bulmu\u015f. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 nas\u0131l bulmu\u015f bilemiyorum. Babam\u0131n ya\u015f\u0131na ben de geldim, gezdi\u011fi \u00fclkeleri ben de gezdim ama onun g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve o hep s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc etti\u011fi pas izini g\u00f6remedim.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/coskuyla-olmek-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":530,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/19\/gurbuz-sikinti-gezinti-uzerine\/","url_meta":{"origin":259,"position":2},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, S\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 ve Gezinti \u00dczerine","author":"yalpertem","date":"19 November 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Vakit ge\u00e7irmek \u00e7ok zor de\u011fil. Bazen bir ta\u015f midemi ayr\u0131, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131, t\u00fcm varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ayr\u0131 eziyor olur, o ta\u015f\u0131 daha uzaktan bana do\u011fru yuvarlan\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan, daha g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde bana do\u011fru yol al\u0131\u015f\u0131ndan tan\u0131r\u0131m, kuvvetini bilirim. Ama yerimi de\u011fi\u015ftirsem de, bir yerlere ka\u00e7sam da beni bulaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilirim. Son yirmi-yirmi be\u015f senedir onu\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/zamanin-farkinda-sule-gurbuz-199x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6161,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2023\/05\/08\/hisar-ayakkabilar-anlatici-ali-nizami-beyin-alafrangaligi-ve-seyhligi\/","url_meta":{"origin":259,"position":3},"title":"Hisar, ayakkab\u0131lar, anlat\u0131c\u0131 | Ali Nizam\u00ee Bey’in Alafrangal\u0131\u011f\u0131 ve \u015eeyhli\u011fi","author":"yalpertem","date":"8 May 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Romanda anlat\u0131c\u0131n\u0131n ilk sars\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131, ge\u00e7mi\u015fteki fark\u0131na var\u0131\u015f\u0131 hat\u0131rlay\u0131\u015f\u0131. Zabel Yesayan'\u0131n Son Kadeh'inden bir pasaj\u0131 hat\u0131rlatt\u0131 bana, benzer duygular hissettim bu b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc okurken. Belki roman\u0131n i\u00e7inde denemenin kendine yer a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark etti\u011fim ilk an oldu\u011fu i\u00e7indir. Sonunda y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015fe ba\u011flamas\u0131 da m\u00fcthi\u015f. \" Fakat hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum ki bu manzaraya en \u00e7ok g\u00fclen ben\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/ali-nizami-bey-220x300.jpeg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":810,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2018\/01\/06\/gurbuz-yasami-gozlemlemek\/","url_meta":{"origin":259,"position":4},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, Ya\u015fam\u0131 G\u00f6zlemlemek","author":"yalpertem","date":"6 January 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Sanki oldum olas\u0131 bir b\u00fcy\u00fck oday\u0131 ar\u015f\u0131nl\u0131yor; ara s\u0131ra elimi muma uzat\u0131p yak\u0131yor, ve hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131 hep sonraya sakl\u0131yorum. \"Dur!\" denilen yeri de, ya\u015famak \u00fczere erteleye erteleye t\u00fcketiyorum. Beklerken beklemedi\u011fimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp kahkahalar at\u0131yor; bu arada elimi duvarlara, cama, burnuma, kalemlere... s\u00fcr\u00fcyorum. Kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyar gibi oluyor; ne a\u00e7\u0131yor ne de kap\u0131yorum.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "al\u0131nt\u0131"","block_context":{"text":"al\u0131nt\u0131","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/alinti\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/sule-gurbuz-kambur-198x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5046,"url":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/2022\/06\/06\/gurbuz-kiyamet-emeklisi-notlar-3\/","url_meta":{"origin":259,"position":5},"title":"G\u00fcrb\u00fcz, K\u0131yamet Emeklisi | Notlar 3","author":"yalpertem","date":"6 June 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"[183-234] Sonbahar geliyor, Baba biraz celalli. Bir g\u00fcl\u00fcp bir tersliyor Aziz'i ve bac\u0131lar\u0131. Kendini k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcltme e\u011fitimi a\u011f\u0131r i\u015flerle devam ediyor. Baba'n\u0131n o zamanki ruh halinden mi yoksa e\u011fitimin bir par\u00e7as\u0131 olan Aziz'i yok sayma ve zorlama niyetinden mi tam belli de\u011fil. Baba ile m\u00fccadele ona bir sinme, sessizlik, kendi i\u00e7ine\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "genel"","block_context":{"text":"genel","link":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/category\/genel\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/259","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=259"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/259\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5439,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/259\/revisions\/5439"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=259"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=259"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yalpertem.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=259"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}